Envy

Why do people have to envy others?
This is a question to all, well, maybe…
Envy, it may be a good thing but sometimes it may be a bad thing one way or the other…
Well, sometimes I wonder why things have to be that way. Questions like, why him? Why me? Why you? Why them? Why her? Why? Why? Why? It drives me nuts and I don’t feel right…
It’s not a very good feeling though, I mean if you are envying someone who is your friend or maybe even somebody who isn’t actually your friend, I’m sure it is all the same…
I am going insane X_x sooner or later…
I’m kinda envying a person now, frankly speaking, it has been some time and it kinda bothers me a lot, mentally...
Well, it’s kinda funny to put it in actual words but I just don’t like it!
Haha, though it is what I feel, but to others, it is definitely not a problem, in fact they are going quite well with that…
There was a time which a person get what I mean accurately…
Still, that person is the same as the others…
Sometimes I may feel that I’m kinda stupid to even envy that person, instead, I think I should just forget about it and carry on my daily routine…
I know; this is not my piece of Greenland, not my cup of tea in the café and most of all, not my kind of place…
Although the fact remains, I had tried several times, or maybe more, trying to change the fact, struggling, and yet maintaining myself at the same time…
What kept me running all this while was actually my determination…
To tell the truth, being somebody else is something not right and also, it is hard to become somebody you are not…
It has been some time since the last I started to fake things out, trying to fit things and make things right…
Guess what, nothing change, disappointment is what I receive and what I learn by faking things out…
There are times where I stop my foot and start to think about all the possibility, how I wish things could be different…
Everything is in vain, that’s all I could conclude…
Today, I get to hear something that is quite an impact to me, well, kinda…
Actually, I get to understand the point that person was trying to tell, but sadly to say, I guess it was meant just for me…
Well, I’m kinda surprise to see that what that person’s saying was just mire WORDS to me, as another version is being showed to the others…
I was going like, what the hack?! Oh well, find then…
Maybe I was not good at those as I was really not good at those…
Camouflage, well, I guess I’m quite use to it, wearing a camouflage suit that is actually natural to me…
There are limits to everything, so does expiry dates for almost everything in this world, everything will vanish in time as time consumes everything in our lives…
Maybe it’s time for me to put a standstill to those silly things that I’ve been trying to do mainly to change…
Everything was in vain although months of trying…
Blank…
Nothing has change so far, and not even a thing seems effective around me…
Just when I think things is worst enough; a second One enters the stage unexpectedly…
Oh my God…
Things are really getting out of control for me…
Calm down, that’s what I told myself…
What I could say is it’s almost as bad as the first One for me…
I really think that things are not what I imagine it would be…
Still, I’m the one that seems to feel uncomfortable about it, so I don’t really feel that it is good for me to complain…
Everyone has their advantage…
Maybe I’m really like what I said I was…
Not really good at that…
Oh well, it’s not right for me to blame the others actually…
Maybe it is my own fault for the things that I’m feeling uncomfortable currently…
I’m trying not to blame the others…
As it is so wrong…
So I just wanna cast everything aside now…
I guess being me is the best solution to this…
So here I go, again…
This is not my place; this is not the place where I should go, and this is not what I want…
No one understands…
No one see the difference I try to make…
No one notices…
No one cares…
And no one even bother to ask, sometimes…
Yeah, maybe I’m just not fit to be there…
Maybe, maybe…
I’m tired of trying now, and I’m feed up of trying either…
Nothing makes sense…
Maybe I’m not trying hard enough…
But who cares, well, I don’t, and I mean now…
I might as well get my studies polished and make my way to the finish line ASAP…
As for this, maybe I will start to find greener grass where I could once again go wild like the horses do in the green fields…
Maybe there, I won’t feel like I’m nobody…
Maybe there, I will make something better out of it…
Maybe there, I will get others understanding more…
Maybe there, I will get other’s acceptation…
And maybe there, I will get my attention…
I am still searching…
I am still wondering without direction…
I am still a lone wolf…
I am still a camouflaged dragon…
And I am still myself…
I hope to find my place like I do at my hometown…
I simply felt warmer there…
It’s not whose fault and no one is to be blame actually…
One man’s meat is another man’s poison…
At least, that’s more or less something that I have heard before from my teachers…
Fact still remains as a fact in this cruel world…
Frankly speaking, after some time, I don’t think envy is the right word anymore, admiring is so much more accurate now…
I guess there is no point to envy or even to admire…
It won’t lead anyone anywhere…
Still, funny to say, this lone wolf still have a buddy, and I think I was so clear about others…
Haha, well, it’s really a blissful thing to say…
At least there is one, I guess, better than none…
There is a slight possibility that things might not be as bad as I think it was…
Well, I just wanna become the regular me…
Whether do I get the acceptation from the others, well, it depends now…
I’m really too lazy to even care about it now…
I had tried, but I never succeed, ever?
And I'm too tired...
No matter…
Maybe things may turn out well in the future, who knows…
See'ya ^_^